not like it use to be

i have a lot of insomnia here...not really if i can put it into words. thinking a lot of the past, present, and sliver of the future. its kind of a compare and contrast every night...and then a lot of anxiety - A LOT.

its difficult not being able to fit into a lot of the clothes here. its even more difficult when you feel like a beached whale everywhere you go until you are around your own race. i find pictures of when i was at VCU and right before I got a real job. you know, back in the day, when i blogged a lot about my hopes, dreams, nightmares, and all the mess i got myself into. i guess you can say that was a crazy time in my life. i wonder what happened to make every thing i eat stick right to my things and butt. why? is it because i quit smoking. probably. i am tempted to pick up the nasty habit again just to be able to fit into my clothes the way i use to. i look at my face and moles, some brown and some missing their pigment, more and more are appearing. the faint lines around my eyes, "fish tails".

thinking how i was such a dreamer and looking forward to the future and all the unexpected surprises. well, here i am, nearly 5 years later, in China, after living in NYC for 3 years. some say, and others know well, this was the route i always dreamed of.

missing my friends, missing that social life, missing a community. though many have moved, and are still moving away from richmond, some even to the other side of the country. but here I am right now, on the other side of the world.

jason doesn't lie awake with me at night, as soon as that boy lays down, he passes out...he is sawing logs right at this very moment. its 12:22 am oct 26 here...its noon on the east coast, on oct 25th.........more than times than not, i wish he would wake up and talk to me about what is racing through my mind. perhaps a couple words of encouragement...maybe some soothing thoughts, just to know he hears, knows, tries to understands, and just helps. i know i am a pain and he has been my personal translator for nearly a month now. i owe him so much, more than i could ever explain to you my reader.

i kick myself in the ass a lot for not traveling before this. i mean, only a year and a half ago i went to the West Coast for the very first time. this is the most amazing experience of my entire life and i plan on making more and more...forever.

should i leave NY............when i get back........oh dear oh dear.......i wish i had some close friends - here, with me now. we could talk over some beers and dream dreams and talk of the future and the exciting things that could, and would probably happen.

a couple days ago, a friend from high school, one of my best friends - sent me pictures of her newborn baby girl. how weird is this...i am staring at the face of a girl i have known for like 15 years and there she is, holding her baby. wait, life, hold on...weren't she and i waiting for our first kiss like yesterday, talking about potential boyfriends, passing notes during class, life....really, hold up for a minute...i am trying to catch my damn breathe.

in china, currently, there is a tree with flowers in bloom. these flowers smell like the perfume RUSH...i think of Kaycie, her favorite perfume. then that leads me to remember my very VERY early 20's and how amazingly retarded we were. and these are my nights..........

these instances, these moments, where i am reminded of something and then i begin spiraling down through my past, remembering, missing, and simultaneously trying to hold onto the present because i know before i know it this will all be the past.

its past my bedtime...and my mind is already in a whirlwind of all kinds of sorts.

goodnight, i will tell you all about Huangzou tomorrow.